Thursday, September 17, 2015

Blessing #259 for 2015: Excruciatingly alone

I just looked. I've mentioned/written about/complained about being along a ton this year. There are times when I really really really dislike being.  A lot of times, actually. I am sometimes so uncomfortable when I'm alone I can barely stand it.

But with this last birthday I started to [finally] catch on that we only get to go forwards. There is no "do over" and that elusive "one day" when I was going to have it all together and not be afraid to be alone anymore has not come. The alone part has come, but the comfort with it is very slow in arriving.

A few weeks ago, however, someone told me that I have to change my thinking if I'd like to get past this; that this alone-phobia is really just anxiety in disguise. 

Which means, of course, that when I am alone, it is really an opportunity to practice spotting and changing my thinking about myself. I've been practicing these last few days and while it is hard to see when I'm in the middle of feeling sorry for myself or wallowing about feeling lonely, once I realize what I'm doing and consciously change my thinking, the feelings I don't like pass much faster.

Progress is happening.  

As I'm doing this, It's dawning on me that what my brain tells me is not always true. It tells me that being alone on a Thursday night watching football is dangerous because it means I will always be alone watching football on Thursday nights because I'm somehow less than other people. After I spot this flawed thinking and redirect myself, within a few hours [usually] I see how wrong that thought process was.

So what I have surmised is that when these uncomfortable feelings come up, it's a change to let whatever is inside of me causing this to come to the surface and be healed.  

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