Saturday, August 12, 2017

13 days left. I think I'm sad!

I have finally managed to turn off the TV.  Briefly I considered it a few hours ago when I finished a movie I started yesterday on Amazon Prime (The Dressmaker, it's really good), but I felt too sad so I went to the reliable standby, Law & Order SVU on Ion. Aside from USA's A Christmas Story marathon every December or a Gilmore Girls Netflix binge, where else can a girl get completely reliable, predictable, and most happy-ending television in which she can avoid her feelings for hours on end?

All day long I have felt restless, irritable and generally bi&%$y. Maybe it's the lack of sleep lately, or that I forgot didn't meditate this morning, or that I want my house to be clean for people coming over tomorrow or that I still have lost no weight even though I must have burned enough mental energy obsessing about it to fit into those pants that used to be baggy on me.

I kept driving through the day, cursing this and that, stumbling here and there, with a layer of general disagreement with the world and myself. Lately I find myself generally always wanting to get home, but when I get there I often find myself mindlessly clicking through the Amazon Prime options one more time. Before I know it, 3 hours have passed with my laptop on my legs, two or three words typed, and 15 episodes of something that I have seen before at least 4 times have gone by.

Tonight a friend texted and told me she is sad I am leaving. And I realized that sadness is underneath my disgruntled and sometimes bitchy attitude today.

I am sad that today is my last Friday night alone in my house; tomorrow is the last long run with my running girls; I'm sad to leave my house, especially after all the love I put into it this year. I'm sad to leave my friends and I am scared about making new friends. I'm sad to leave my parents and family on a different continent.

I know I very well may come back to Boise, but it's possible I won't. Either way, my life is changing BIG TIME and there is sadness that comes along with the excitement of it. On one of the episodes of L & O, SVU tonight, one of the characters said, "If he doesn't deal with it, he can't move on." So I will try to feel the sadness, and maybe only watch 2 episodes tomorrow.

And I'll try not to be a b*#ch.

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