Blessing #259 for 2015: Excruciatingly alone

I just looked. I've mentioned/written about/complained about being along a ton this year. There are times when I really really really dislike being.  A lot of times, actually. I am sometimes so uncomfortable when I'm alone I can barely stand it.

But with this last birthday I started to [finally] catch on that we only get to go forwards. There is no "do over" and that elusive "one day" when I was going to have it all together and not be afraid to be alone anymore has not come. The alone part has come, but the comfort with it is very slow in arriving.

A few weeks ago, however, someone told me that I have to change my thinking if I'd like to get past this; that this alone-phobia is really just anxiety in disguise. 

Which means, of course, that when I am alone, it is really an opportunity to practice spotting and changing my thinking about myself. I've been practicing these last few days and while it is hard to see when I'm in the middle of feeling sorry for myself or wallowing about feeling lonely, once I realize what I'm doing and consciously change my thinking, the feelings I don't like pass much faster.

Progress is happening.  

As I'm doing this, It's dawning on me that what my brain tells me is not always true. It tells me that being alone on a Thursday night watching football is dangerous because it means I will always be alone watching football on Thursday nights because I'm somehow less than other people. After I spot this flawed thinking and redirect myself, within a few hours [usually] I see how wrong that thought process was.

So what I have surmised is that when these uncomfortable feelings come up, it's a change to let whatever is inside of me causing this to come to the surface and be healed.  

#217: Alone without the lonely

I spent the whole day, less about 2 hours, alone in my house.

Okay, not a big deal, I know. I also know some people would love to have a day alone to themselves. And I do live alone, which could lead a person to believe that being along for a day in my house is no big deal and happens pretty frequently.

It does not.

Or at least has not in the last.

Apparently one of the things that was left in Ireland with the voices comparing myself to other people (see post #212) is the fear and loneliness that I used to feel so often when I spent time alone. Or, I should say, when I contemplated being alone or spent more than an hour in my house at a time without the TV on. Because really, I just kept myself so busy that I didn't have any time to be at home alone for more than 30 minutes here or an hour there. And I usually just ate my way through those times.

To be fair, the amount of time I can be alone has been growing steadily over the last couple of months, so perhaps the "Voice-of-Constant-Comparison" getting left overseas has a lot to do with this.

Frankly, I don't care why I feel so good; I am just amazed at how good I feel! I felt so comfortable today that I actually relaxed: I watched two movies (My Left Foot and Hitchcock, both wonderful) while NOT multitasking: no computer was even in the room.

Miracles do happen.