#278: Reassurance

Much of my motivation in life has come from the search for reassurance. From anyone: parents, other people's parents, men, friends, teachers, random people I met on trips, men. I joined things to get reassurance I had friends. At work I would constantly need validation from bosses and coworkers. Thank God Facebook wasn't around back then, because I would have constantly posted stuff about myself seeking validation from all my "friends".

I got into relationships with men who were willing to give me that constant string of validation I required [these never lasted], and my insatiable need for reassurance led me to behaviors that I went against my inner moral fiber. I was powerless against the fulfillment I felt when someone else would assure me that I was good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, hard working enough, whatever enough!

And then all of my reassur-ers have departed for one reason or another and I have been left with only myself. At first it was excruciatingly painful to be alone, with only myself as cheerleader and validator. Sometime while I was in Ireland, however, something inside of me healed up. I became my own validator. I have learned that only my opinion of me counts in my life. If everyone around me can see all the wonderful things about me, and share those with me, it does absolutely no good if I don't see them myself.

It seems I was playing God in a way. I was so busy seeking reassurance for myself that there was no space for God to provide me with any help. I now find that when I live through those periods that are sort of painful for lack of external reassurance, invariably the next phone call or interaction provides me with just the right amount of validation I had been chasing all along. Today, for example, I went on a hike with a lovely woman I haven't seen in a long time. Turns out we have very similar world views and she told me great stories of faith spoke exactly to what's been going on with me lately.

I am so grateful for the faith that I am doing just fine, exactly as I am. In my own life. And that the craving for external validation is being replaced with peace and contentment inside myself.

#277: Potato Wars!

Star Wars + Idaho = Love!

#276: New favorite sweat pants

First, I LOVE these sweatpants! I got them in June at the Snowmass Ragnar Relay [where I actually bought a lot of clothing as it was raining and thus spent lots of time in the retail tent], which was one of the best 10 experiences of my life, and so have happy memories when I wear them.

Second, these are super duper comfortable. They are the kind with all that really fuzzy material on the insides. My legs love them.

Next, I didn't feel like they fit very well when I bought them and now they fit beautifully. It also helps that they haven't been washed yet, but we'll just ignore that for now.

Finally, I used to have a pair of sweatpants that I "borrowed" forever from my brother. They were burnt orange and said "TEXAS" [as in longhorns] down the side. I LOVED THOSE PANTS. They were super comfortable, they were Texas Longhorns, but most importantly they were my brother's. We are not close; he seemed indifferent to the whole thing, but I felt connected to my brother through these sweatpants. In a moment of what I later determined was insanity I donated my beloved Texas sweatpants to charity and have spent the next 15 years trying to discover an acceptable substitute. 

Awesome sweatpants sitting on porch in beautiful weather.

Awesome sweatpants watching football.

#275: Going to a Boise State game!

When I figured out yesterday that Boise State was playing Hawaii at home this weekend, I really wanted to go. But I also thought I could watch on TV and be just fine. I didn't think any more about it.

Then I went to the Saturday Market in downtown Boise, where I ran into another girlfriend who invited me to a tailgate party before the game tonight! The tailgate tent had great food and drinks and there were tons of people down there. A big screen TV is where I planned to watch the game with my girlfriend and her boyfriend.

But wait, it gets better!

Since I was down on campus I texted all my friends that I know tailgate so we could hook up. A friend texted back and said he had an extra ticket to the game and would I like to go?  YES!

Thus I went to the BSU game tonight! Well, technically I went to half the game because it was 49-0 at halftime...

#274: Buddha's Brain

Someone recommended Buddha's Brain to me as a way to understand the physiology of emotions to help me counter anxiety. It is super interesting! I'm only on chapter 7, but so far my take home messages are:

• I am not in control of as much as I thought when it comes to my emotions. Lots of times, like for most of my life, I'd say, I thought I was getting anxious because there was something I was doing wrong and if I corrected the "bad" behavior I would stop being afraid. Turns out that while that is true sometimes, many, many times my body was just doing it's natural reaction thing and my brain came up with thoughts to explain it.
• I am in control of more than I thought I was when it comes to my emotions. One time in a professional development the instructor taught up to take a big breath before confronting a student to calm down our adrenal glands. Now I understand what this is about. It occurred to me while reading this that this very thing is why I have been super tired and a little reluctant to go to work--I've been stressing my body out by trying to make my students learn [see a few days ago post] rather then create situations where they can do the learning. So not only can I change my behavior and my lesson plans to help my body out, there are physical things I can do, too, like meditation, breathing, good sleep, etc. [detailed in the book].
• My emotions are not only closely tied to my physiology, they are interconnected to it. Thus, when I get anxious over, say, showing up to a new place by myself, my body believes there is danger and sets off a serious of physical reactions that were originally designed to help us survive in the "wild".  I read this to mean it goes both ways, like in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have some control over my body which can reduce the amount of anxiety that comes up and I can also do some training with my mind to calm my body down when anxiety does arise.
• What we think creates pathways in our brains; when we think it again, those pathways grow stronger.
• We can change the physiology of our brains!  Woohoo!!  I thought I was stuck with the negative opinions of myself I started with.  WRONG!  I can change my thoughts and actions and this will actually change the physiology of my brain!

#273: Prayer

Some days it feels like a miracle I made it another day. Today was another shooting at a education facility. I just don't know how to post about being grateful when such terrible things happen. I'm grateful more people weren't hurt. I'm grateful for law enforcement.

Mostly I'm grateful for prayer because I feel so helpless and want to help those who suffer, whatever form. I can't do much for the people in Oregon, but I know I can pray for them. It feels like something.

#272: I stopped doing the work!

When I was student teaching, my mentor teacher passed along something she had learned from Harry Wong, an educator with lots of books out: The one who's doing the work is doing the learning. My goal as a teacher is always to see how I can make the students do the work. This means that if I'm at the front of the room lecturing with the students taking notes, I'm the one doing the work, so the students are not doing the learning.

On Monday, I did the work. By the end of the day I was not a good teacher and I was not super nice to my students. Halfway through my last class of the day I realized what I was doing wrong: the students had been sitting and listening to me talk for about 25 minutes and they were done. I was done. The model for that day didn't work. I muddled through the rest of the period but was grateful to have figured out my problem.

Yesterday was better different. The students worked on a project for a little bit of the class.

Today, however, was AWESOME! I made a warm up for them to do, then the students worked on finishing their projects. Some classes even got as far as doing an online quiz game (Socrative.com). I spent my time walking around answering questions, entering grades into the grade book, and looking over the work the students were doing.

I learned so much! I now have a very good idea of what they know about our current topic (linear functions) and what they need to work on; I understand some of the common misconceptions; and I got to see how creative they really will be if I just let them!!