#117: Suit up and show up

I woke up today anxious and the knot in my stomach stayed with me all day.  Before I left the house I prayed.  I ate.  I read a helpful book.  No change.  I went to work.

When I was with my students teaching, I was okay.  Then lunch came and I was disappointed to discover that the pit in my stomach was still there.  I felt panicky and disconnected and my body felt like it had electricity flowing through it, but not in a good way.  I felt utterly, completely, unsafe. I think this is sometimes called a panic attack.  They used to happen VERY frequently and I would shut down for the day.  All I could do was go to sleep, go to a movie or go shopping, but all the while I was just running away from the panic, hoping it wouldn't catch up with me.  After I got divorced this phenomenon peaked, and the most I could handle in my life was taking 3 classes and working 10 hours a week at a running store.  Sometimes I'd be sitting in the math room doing homework when all of the sudden this panic would overwhelm me and I would be utterly paralyzed.  There would be crying and phone calls and writing and talking and discomfort and fear and activity for the day would cease.
 
Anyways, I had a meeting with a colleague after lunch and while we were talking I was acutely aware that the panic was still there, not far below the surface.  I just kept swimming.  Just. Keep. Swimming.

I made it through the last class of the day, again distracted by my students and teaching.  As soon as the classroom was empty, though, the panicky resurfaced.

Just.  Keep.  Swimming.

I just kept going:

• Costco.  I am safe.
• Home.  I am safe.
• Run.  I am safe.
• Dinner with friends.  Relief.

That last one saved me.  They were talking about living in the present, getting out of future tripping or fantasy, and regaining proper perspective on their lives. 


And they took me with them!

My plan after that was to go home and get ready for tomorrow (realizing it's only 6:30, but you can never prep too much, right?) but instead I went to Story Story Night with a girlfriend.

Without panic!

So instead of sitting around tonight watching another Netflix movie (which I'm actually doing while I write, She's All That), I spent the evening laughing, feeling free, getting to know a girlfriend better and meeting new people.
 

#116: Answered prayers

Really I mean when I realize a prayer has been answered.  Today I had one several of those moments:

Prayer #1:  To hike in the foothills more and learn some new-to-me trails.

Answer:  Today I hiked with a new friend on a new-to-me trail (I don't want to tell you where it was because it was so lovely)!

Prayer #2:  That I become willing to create my own happiness.

Answers:

• Last night I felt a little lonely and sorry for myself, but I turned off the TV after dinner [read: miracle!], went to the back room, and scrapbooked for 4 hours.  I felt a mild sense of panic as I realized that there were still so many things to clean, arrange, put away and sort (not that any of those would have happened if I had kept the TV on), but I said, screw it and worked anyways.  IT WAS AMAZING!!  I got 5 pages done, got myself to Belfast on my Ireland trip from last summer, lived through the panic and enjoyed every second of it.  I had no idea that the key to my own happiness is to do what is in my heart to do.  I must have missed that day of training before I was born, but let me tell you, it was a powerful, amazing lesson.  

• At one point today I suddenly found myself out of whack, you know what I mean?  Just bothered but not sure specifically at what.  Usually what I do when this happens is go to bed, take out my journal and write about myself and what I think is wrong for an hour.  Often I spend the next 2 or 3 days feeling dis-easy then by Friday I come out of it.  

I didn't do that today!  Instead I called a friend that I was sure had felt like this before, she answered, we talked for a half hour and voila,  I feel connected and at ease again.  It occurs to me that this is something I can do to create my own happiness: not get swept into icky feelings and instead, well, tell on myself.  30 minutes of discussion saved me 3 days of feeling uneasy and dissatisfied.

Prayer #3:  To find out what things I really love to do.

Answers:

• See #1.  I really enjoy hiking in the Boise foothills.  I could go for hours in the evening.

• Scrapbooking.  No more closet scrapbooking for me!  I have an entire room devoted to it.  The joy I felt last night was the joy I have been searching for everywhere outside myself.  

I finally found Joy.

#115: The goodness of children

Listen to this!  This is always the best Saturday of my month!

Today at Come to the Banquet, our monthly meal for the hungry in Boise at St. Michael's, I was at the door greeting people and a little girl around 8-9 came in with her mom.  She did not look like most of the other patrons, but I greeted them as everyone else.  The mom said they were looking for a woman they had met before that her daughter had raised money for, and could they have a look to see if she was eating with us.

After a while they came back to me.  They hadn't found the woman but decided to donate the money to Come to the Banquet instead!

The woman she was looking for had asked her for money when she was out with her mom, but they had no money to give at the time.  So the little girl went to school and for two months colllected money among her classmates.  Her plan was to give the money to this woman, but her "Plan B" (her words) was to give money to our ministry.  Said this 8-9 year old girl.

WOW!!

We took a picture, she told me her story, and as she left, I was filled with awe and gratitude.  A volunteer told me she had donated $40 to our ministry.  

#114 for 2015: My new favorite obsession!

About 6 years ago I did my 1st Sprint triathlon in McCall, ID:  .47 mile swim, 12 mile bike ride, and a 5K run.  I didn't own a road bike, so I rented one.

I was in the 1st group of people to get into the water and was the 2nd to last person out of the water.  I was toasted for the bike and the run.  Triathlons did not become my event of choice, but I loved the biking part!  In retrospect, it may have been because the swim and the run were so hard, but I still ended up infatuated with road biking.

So much so that I asked friends on Facebook if anyone had a road bike to sell.  Voila! My friends from church not only had a bike available, they gave it to me!

This is my very own Bianchi road bike.

Which sat in my shed for 4 years after I got it.

Then the day came last summer when I wanted to go on a ride.  I pulled it out.  The tires were flat.  I didn't have a pump so I started walking it to the M & W Market, which has free air.  My neighbor saw me, inflated my tires and offered to help me in the future if I had bike problems.  It was such a little thing but I felt looked after, and his kindness touched my heart.

I went for an hour bike ride and covered 12 miles.  I can't believe how fast you can go on a bike!  After all these years of running, to be able to go 12 miles in an hour is amazing.

This week I've gone on 3 rides and I can't stop!  I think about where I'm gonna ride after work.  I want to go after dinner; I want to go when I feel sad; I want to go to be in the sun.  I just want to go ride.

So thank you, friends from church, for setting me up for my new obsession: bikes.

#113: My completed project room!

Time spent not using the back bedroom:  5 years.
Number of color samples tested for walls: 12.
New table from renewal: $179.
Time to move everything out and put most of it back in: 3 hours.
 Number of fingers injured during pre-transport: 1.

Wanting to spend time in my back room again: priceless.

Blessing #112: Boise entrepreneurs

After my Amma treatment, I saw a kid waving at me.  He was selling homemade lemonade!
His sign had about price prices, some scratched out, ranging from 1 dollar to 2.  I asked him what kind - pink!  I asked him how much.  He stared at his sign while making an "ummmmmmm" noise.  "About a dollar for a red cup?"  It was more a question than a statement.  I said, "That's great, I have aout a dollar!" 

 Capitalism is alive and well in the youngest generation!

#111: My piano is coming!!

My mom today told me that he movers are coming to pick up the piano that my grandmother gave me on Friday.  It will be delivered some amount of time after that, so before I go to Ireland I should have it here in Boise!!

This piano was in my grandparent's house for my whole life; both my mom and my aunt learned to play on it.

The best part of having it in my house, though, is that it belonged to Nana, who was my best friend.  She died in 2005 right after I moved to Boise.  She and Poppee loved to hear me play the piano.  Poppee lost his eyesight the last few years of his life (he died in 1993) and he would sit in the living room whole I played of one of the 5 or so tunes I had learned from lessons.