Blessing #185: Hitting bottom with Honey Loops

I may have come back to my apartment last night, after dinner, and eaten the better part of a box of Honey Loops, a tasty, sugar-based cereal by Kellogg's that I discovered in the on-site market a few days ago.  

From http://www.kelloggs.ie/en_IE/honey-loops-product.html

I wasn't hungry; but I was craving sugar.
I wasn't really craving sugar; I was anxious.
I wasn't really anxious, either; I was tired.

I really was tired.

I went out to eat with friends even though my entire body was screaming not to.  The compulsion to do everything and miss nothing took over.  I sat eating bowl after bowl of cereal, really, really wanting to stop but not enough to stop.  Finally the thought broke through: what are you avoiding?

Sleep.  Letting go of getting more done today.  Running.  That icky feeling I'm going to have when I stop eating and realize I've just eaten back all the exercise I did last week.  Feelings of inadequacy.

I stopped eating, felt the icky feelings, went on a run, ran into friends from the program, went out later and listened to fun Irish music, got to know some people better, had bacon chips (you don't want to know), and went to bed.

And today, I was so hungover I felt like I'd been hit by a bus.  I've  been asleep more today than I've been awake.  However, the great part is that I felt so bad today I'm utterly willing to NOT do that to myself again.  No. More. Sugar!

Sometimes we've gotta hit bottom before we get really willing to change.

Day #29: Netflix won't load!

Netflix won't load on my TV tonight.  You must be joking!!  I watched 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls last night without incident, and my wireless router hasn't moved an inch.  I didn't even breathe in its general direction.  When I hit the Netflix button, I just get the infinite circle of death and no Gilmore Girls. 

 But I know better.  This is exactly what I need.  I've been to the gym; I've bitten off most of my fingernails;  I've watched 2 Big Bang Theory episodes (okay, it was 3); I've eaten a few bowls of cereal and quite a lot of chips.  There is nothing left to do but feel it.

See, I got my feelings hurt today and spent the moments in between "things that must be done" like work and the gym and dinner [see cereal comment above] feeling.  Feeling hurt, sad, angry.  Oh, and writing speeches in my head to the perpetrator. But mostly feeling.

Netflix was the last straw.  I have officially run out of things to do other than look at my part in this situation.  What have I done to set myself up for this hurt & anger?  I must write.  It is the only way that I ever get freedom from the anger and healing from the hurt.

I haven't been livid in a long time.  I used to live resentfully all the time, angry at God for giving me this life and at everyone else for living their lives.  How do the do that, and make it look so easy?  Turns out all my anger backfired:  I was the one that was miserable (though my ex-husband might disagree).

This cool thing happened today in the midst of all this feeling.  Under all the ick was a deep joy that I am present today for my feelings (for myself?).  Even bigger is that I feel them, and behave well while I have them.  I realize that many people have already mastered this skill before the age of 39, but I either missed that handout in my instruction manual for God, or I wasn't paying attention in class.  I used to just spew all over everybody when I was having "a day".  My life would come to a stand still, the pity party invitations were sent, and the wallowing began.  And the party went on and on and on.

Today, however, all it takes is a phone call to get me out of party mode and back on track.  There were no pleas for sympathy [read:  self-pity] at work; there were no breakdowns in the bathroom.  There was just feeling.  Then there was writing.  And now there will be healing.