Gilmore Girls Binge! #GilmoreGirls #Netflix #lifelessonsfromStarsHollow

Through the blowing snow I drove, all so I could stay at my friend's house for 6 hours while we binge watched the new 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls.

It. Was. Awesome. I'll admit, it started slow. But it got better with each episode. I'm totally re-hooked back in. 

Photo from: www.eonline.com

So wonderful, in fact, I just found myself watching clips of the show. Like when Jess tells Rory...well, you can watch:

Or the best sequence ever, when Lorelai makes everyone stay and hash out their issues. In fact, I think I've posted about this before, I like it so much.

I think I'm going to have to watch the entire series again!

#78 for 2015: Feeling a part of the beautiful day

It was a beautiful, 70 degree day in Boise.  I kept seeing the blue sky out every window at school,  and I didn't feel lonely all day.  Or sad or left out.

This is really weird but in the past on pretty days I would feel really left out and lonely.  Often I'd come home, turn on the TV and spend the hours till the sun went down watching mindless TV or Ever After or Pride and Prejudice (the Kiera Knightley version, of course).  I'd close the blinds most of the time because just seeing the sunny weather conjured in me a deep sense that I was being left out of life.   In my imagination, everyone else, at least in Boise, was out playing outside with their friends doing fun adventures in the beautiful weather.  I considered going out on a bike ride or hiking Table Rock or even just walking around the neighborhood, but the thought gave me a profound sense of pathetic-ness.  I heard all these voices in my head saying unhelpful things like you'd be that old single lady walking by herself, trying to pretend that she's okay with being alone but we can all tell she's not.

Once the sun went down, the sense of being left out or pathetic disappeared.  The critical voices in my head shut down and I often felt embarassed and remorseful that I'd wasted so much time and energy stewing and staring at the TV.  

I didn't do this today.  For one, I made plans.  Did you know that making plans that involve showing up at a designated location with pre-arranged people can make you get off the couch and sometimes not even turn on the TV?  (I had a friend tell me that 2 spring breaks ago after I felt left out that the entire world had plans the Friday of spring break.  She told me, Joy, people have something to do that day because they MAKE PLANS.  It was a revelation for me!)  I went on a run and to coffee with a friend.

Second, when I looked out the windows at school, I didn't feel that left out feeling!  It's a miracle!  I've felt left out of things for my entire life:  sports, parties, girlfriends, my high school, my college, my 2nd college, my masters program for a while, wandering around Eastern Europe, wandering around Ireland.

Okay, I get it.  It's not about where I'm wandering; it's about who I think I am on the inside.  I have finally figured out that I myself am worth spending time with and to keep myself company--so much so that when I got home from my friend it was still beautiful outside and I did not feel left out or pathetic as I made dinner, with the blinds open, sat on the couch and watched 4 more episodes of Gilmore Girls.  Not one single thought of pathetic, left out or pretending.

Blessing #53: My first restful weekend of the...year

On Friday, my colleague made me promise to rest this weekend.  And, unlike past promises for evenings/days/weekends of rest, I ACTUALLY DID IT!  I did not decline the symphony then stay up till 2 watching GG episodes; I went to bed at 8:30 on Friday night.

R.E.S.T. is soooo hard for me!!

I used to think that to be happy I was supposed to be busy.  I looked around at all the people that looked happy on their outsides and what I saw in common was that they were all had many important things to do:  volunteering, hobbies, sports.  So I got busy.  It worked so well that years later, here I am, super busy.  This seems to have become one of my identifying characteristics. 

Rest was like stopping, and I was terrified to stop because I thought I wouldn't be important anymore or that everyone would forget about my while I was sitting on my couch reading on a Sunday afternoon or working on my scrapbook all afternoon.

It was still scary to rest this afternoon, but I have to tell you, I am SOOO tired of being sick that I told God I'm willing to do it, whatever the cost.  I'm tired of being sick through beautiful afternoons and concerts and symphonies.  Sure, it's not so bad to be sick during things I don't care too much about doing, but I have spent most of 2015 recovering from being sick after doing something awesome. 

So no more.  My Lenten commitment is sleep/rest.  Come hell or high water, I am going to rest, be that sleep or just skipping a function so I can spend time with myself. 

Now it's out there, I'm accountable!
 

Day # 38: 5:30 Saturday church service!

I love that my church, St. Michael's, like many other Episcopal churches, has service on Saturdays at 5:30.  Every Saturday I plan to go, think about going all day while I'm skiing, then usually stay in the bar for "popcorn" with my fellow Mountain Hosts and Ski Patrollers, go home and chain-watch Gilmore Girls until 1 a.m.

Today, the  Gilmore Girls marathon was interupted by church!  I actually left the ski hill in enough time to arrive at church before the Gospel. 

Not only do I get to spend tomorrow morning having coffee with friends, I heard exactly what I needed to.  It's out of the Closing Prayer (BCP Rite II): 

Send us now into the world in peace, and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart.

What a great reminder that strength and courage are required to love and serve God--I tend to think that serving God is effortless and feels good allthe time.  

Blessing #30: Gilmore Girls

It was always coming.  Today I'm grateful for the show Gilmore Girls.

Another Friday night has passed in the company of Lorelai and Rory.  It also entailed 4 bowls of that Gorilla-fake-Captain Crunch cereal with raspberries for dinner, 2 liters of water, 3 loads of laundry.  Before I hit PLAY I had a wonderful sensation that felt akin to motivation to finish my Ireland scrapbook or clean the kitchen floor or even hang up the clothes on my bed, but when Netflix loaded, I took it as a sign and sat down.  Let the record reflect, however, that I did turn the TV off before midnight  (a 2.25 hour improvement over last week).  That's only 6 episodes.

This show is awesome!  I am fascinated by the relationships of the mothers and the daughters.  I love how UN-self-conscious Lorelai is.  I my imagination she accepts herself and doesn't try to be anybody else.  I love that she stands up for herself and is able to articulate her doubts when she has them, with the person involved.  In the room.  Out loud.  I find myself crying and laughing out loud in most episodes.  I think the Pope should bless it as a relic, because healing happens whilst watching Gilmore Girls.

The irony is that this is Friday and Fridays are historically, going all the way back to high school, kinda painful.  I often have this empty feeling like I'm missing out, like I'm that girl who wasn't invited to anything because she was so unpopular.  Actually, in high school that was me.  I know I'm in a grown up body now, but I still get that feeling sometimes when I don't have plans on a Friday.  And since I'm not using people anymore just to fill up the hole inside of me, it's been pretty frequently lately that I haven't had plans on a Friday and been visited by the lonely feeling.

Tonight we cancelled book club, so at 9 this morning I suddenly had space to fill after work.  Which is another way of saying I had space to fill inside myself.  And it was a BEAUTIFUL day, which always made it worse.  The anxiety demons in my head go nuts on weekends with gorgeous weather with helpful thoughts like, "you're really a loser now--it's pretty outside and you don't have anyone to play with," or "you're thinking of staying at work late?  Only people who don't have any friends do that".  I'm not claiming these aren't ridiculous assertions, just that the are persistent and the fear fueling them is powerful.

I always figure that if I ask or pray for something and I don't get it, I must have everything I need without it.  So after my several efforts to find an alternative activity for the evening did not materialize, I caught on.  I prayed for the courage to face my fear [which, by the way, is the fear that if I just go home and enjoy myself, I will never make friends or meet the man of my dreams, etc.], went home and made cookies, which I promptly gave away. 

When the cookies were gone, I didn't feel lonely any more.  I didn't mind staying at home on a Friday night;  I dove all in to my new favorite show, without shame.  The voices shut up and I was able to be fully present with myself.  The hole healed up for the night.

Day #29: Netflix won't load!

Netflix won't load on my TV tonight.  You must be joking!!  I watched 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls last night without incident, and my wireless router hasn't moved an inch.  I didn't even breathe in its general direction.  When I hit the Netflix button, I just get the infinite circle of death and no Gilmore Girls. 

 But I know better.  This is exactly what I need.  I've been to the gym; I've bitten off most of my fingernails;  I've watched 2 Big Bang Theory episodes (okay, it was 3); I've eaten a few bowls of cereal and quite a lot of chips.  There is nothing left to do but feel it.

See, I got my feelings hurt today and spent the moments in between "things that must be done" like work and the gym and dinner [see cereal comment above] feeling.  Feeling hurt, sad, angry.  Oh, and writing speeches in my head to the perpetrator. But mostly feeling.

Netflix was the last straw.  I have officially run out of things to do other than look at my part in this situation.  What have I done to set myself up for this hurt & anger?  I must write.  It is the only way that I ever get freedom from the anger and healing from the hurt.

I haven't been livid in a long time.  I used to live resentfully all the time, angry at God for giving me this life and at everyone else for living their lives.  How do the do that, and make it look so easy?  Turns out all my anger backfired:  I was the one that was miserable (though my ex-husband might disagree).

This cool thing happened today in the midst of all this feeling.  Under all the ick was a deep joy that I am present today for my feelings (for myself?).  Even bigger is that I feel them, and behave well while I have them.  I realize that many people have already mastered this skill before the age of 39, but I either missed that handout in my instruction manual for God, or I wasn't paying attention in class.  I used to just spew all over everybody when I was having "a day".  My life would come to a stand still, the pity party invitations were sent, and the wallowing began.  And the party went on and on and on.

Today, however, all it takes is a phone call to get me out of party mode and back on track.  There were no pleas for sympathy [read:  self-pity] at work; there were no breakdowns in the bathroom.  There was just feeling.  Then there was writing.  And now there will be healing.

Blessing #24: Five hour naps.

Yes, really.  I was so exhausted this morning that when a fellow Mountain Host said hello this morning I burst into tears.  I had no idea I was that tired!

The thing about being tired is that its affects sneak up on me.  A few nights of 6 hours of sleep....a run in the cold...a graduation on a Thursday night....staying late at school a couple afternoons in a week.  Suddenly I'm crying when someone asks me how I am. 

And I don't realize my brain function has been affected until after my exhaustion as been rectified.

I came home early from skiing today and watched two Gilmore Girls episodes (taking full advantage of my free month on Netflix) then fell asleep at 2.  I opened my eyes briefly at four but quickly went back to sleep.  Next thing I know it's 7.  It's dark outside and practically every light in the house is on.  I feel like I'm in a fishbowl, but do I get up and close the blinds?  No way!  There's more episodes to watch!  I'm only on season 1!  I watched another.

Then my brain turned back on!  The sleep had restored neurological functioning and I suddenly realized I had to get out of the house.  I was still in my long underwear and turtleneck from skiing, hair still in braids.  I realized I had spend 16 of the past 36 hours on this very couch in this very position watching these same people. I went to a birthday party I had forgotten about then decided to skip in my sleep-deprived state.

Joy not tired.

The moral of the story is that sleep is super important for me.  Here's what I noticed today about why:

Joy tired. (note the time: that is A.M.)

• The NIH says so.  See here.  [note the first section heading:  Healthy Brain Function and Emotional Well-Being]
• When I have enough sleep I do not cry when someone asks me how I am.
• I am friendlier when I have enough sleep.
• When tired, I eat.  A lot.  Hunger is not a factor, I just keep eating.
• When tired, I watch more tv.  And while good for Netflix, not so good for Joy's well-being.
• When tired, I forget things, then miss out, thereby making my fear-of-missing-out come true.
• The bags under my eyes are way, way smaller when I get enough sleep.
• I don't exercise when I'm tired which makes me feel stagnant which makes me cranky which makes me eat which makes me gain weight which makes me feel icky.
• I am a much, much better teacher and planner of teaching lessons when I am well-rested.
• I don't get sick when I stay sleep-hydrated!
  
  
  
  
  

Blessing #23 for 2015: Date night...with myself!

I said NO!  Not to a man or a to sugar or to a job, but to the symphony.  I had planned to go to the Boise Philharmonic with my "cultural" friend (the one I go to the Shakespeare Festival & Broadway in Boise with) tonight.  We made these plans weeks ago.

And then this week started.
 The longest, most stressful, busiest week of the school year.

It's the first week of the 3rd quarter: new students, 2 new classes to teach, Robie meetings started this week, graduation on Thursday night....and the symphony on Friday.  There has been no time for the gym or a run or skiing; I volunteer at Bogus all day tomorrow and have an event at 1 on Sunday.  AND all week long I have had that sensation of overwhelm where I know my kidneys are constantly firing.  I was so tired all day at school today I felt like a zombie.

I'm becoming Besties with myself

I knew I should cancel some time yesterday, but I delayed until noon today.  12:31, truth be told.  I called [texting seemed like cheating].  I left a message, asking her to still be my friend.  I felt relieved immediately, which was further deepened when she called back and said she, too, felt let-off-the-hook, too.

Since then, I had the best day!  I stayed at school an extra 2 hours and feel awesome about getting stuff done for Monday.  I stopped at the grocery store and restocked, which felt surprisingly good.  Once home I put on my flannel pj bottoms (see previous post), made dinner and watched Gilmore Girls!  For...um...5 hours now!  No, wait, it's six.  I need to go to bed.

I can tell you this, though.  I can't stop smiling!  I love this show.  I dare say healing happens whilst I watch this show.  But I'm still on season one....I'll keep you posted!