Blessing for Day 19: This day is OVER!

My Day.

That's the best I've got today.  I'm so happy this day is over.

SO. HAPPY.

I've been in anxiety all day and I was more or less in survival mode all day.  My stomach burned with anxiousness no matter what I did.  My thoughts didn't really help.
Aside from the day being over, there were a few positive things I found to put on the "good" list for the day:

• I used to have anxious days like this every day.  i.e. I used to count the days that weren't  anxious.
• When these days used to come, the best I could do was stop crying, go home and go to bed.  Today I worked for 4 hours, met some friends, went to the gym and made myself dinner.  
• I called a friend and talked to her about it.  I used to be too ashamed of myself to ask a friend for help on days like this.
• I got 2 loads of laundry done.
• I'm going to take a shower before bed.
• I went to school and got my room prepped for tomorrow.
• I didn't have to be around people today.  Even though I was really lonely, it wasn't the kind of lonely that can be fixed by being around people....it's a God lonely.

This is what my insides felt like today.

#17: Brene Brown

It snowed last night at Bogus, so I, owning a beautiful 4x4 Jeep Grand Cherokee, naturally arranged to catch a ride up the hill this morning with a friend. 

I am from Texas!!!  We don't have snow!!!!  Shut! Up!!

I got all the way to the meeting spot when I realized I didn't have my boots.  My friend offered to wait for me, but the ridiculousness [shame?] of owning this vehicle and never driving it in the snow overwhelmed me and I sent him off alone.

I listened to Brene Brown's The Power of Vulnerability on the way up, a shame and vulnerability researcher whose TED Talk went viral a few years back.  She was going to be my gratitude for the day until the drive home!

I waited in the bar over an hour after I got done working.  I ate a massive amount of popcorn avoiding the anxiety of driving down in the snow/freezing rain/slush.

It was dark when I finally left.  I was going approximately 6 miles an hour.  I didn't brake, I just shifted between 1,2,3, usually freaking out in 3rd gear.  I lost depth perception a few times and relied on the white lines to follow me down. I felt the pressure of drivers behind me encouraging [read: tailgating] me to pull over and get out of their way.  Brene Brown was still playing on the way down. 

As I'm listening to this woman talk about shame belonging I realize that I used to not even go skiing, much less drive myself up there, because I was so fearful of feeling ashamed of myself if I made a mistake, or of looking bad, or of being laughed at, or of feeling awkward, or of getting hurt, or having to go by myself because "I don't have any friends" (as I used to tell myself). 

Brene says in this CD set that the #1 barrier to "belonging" is "fitting in".  This has changed my life.  Realizing that I can be myself and THAT is who and what is appreciated about me has been one of the top 3 greatest gifts I have received in life.