#147: Doing nothing!!!

I have been sitting in this chair since 4:30, and serial watching Sherlock, my new favorite show.  Admittedly, I have done this before but today is different.

This makes the blessing of the day because:

1. At least for today, I have been relieved of the compulsion to do more, go somewhere, 15 other things I want to do.
2. While I'm sitting here I can feel my adrenals NOT working.  I believe this is called re-lax-ing, though I'm not entirely sure.
3.  I don't feel guilty about sitting inside on a beautiful day.
4. The voice that has been with me for so long, constantly telling me I must do more, get one more thing done, sign up for that one more thing, has subsided today.
5. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

And the best reason last:

•  In all this calm going on this evening, thoughts of creativity and new ideas are popping into my head!  Sudden bouts of motivation to do new things briefly overcome me! 

Is it possible that slowing down and actually doing less will get me closer to who I want to be than doing more? 

#145: Listening to my body

Okay, I'm kinda cheating because I'm not really grateful I'm doing this right now, but I am assuming I will be grateful for it later.  My body is trying to tell me something, and I think, perhaps, today, I will finally stop and listen.  It is trying to talk to me through

• headaches
• inability/unmotivated to get out of bed
• constant tiredness
• acute pain next to my right shoulder blade
• throwing up last night from dehydration
• feeling more or less hungover today (even though I don't drink!)
• gaining weight
• weird eye floaters impairing my vision

Blah blah blah.  I know, that's a list of ailments.  But today I finally realized/accepted/admitted that I can either keep pretending that this stuff is nothing more than coincidence or I can ask myself what my body is trying to tell me.

I don't think it's saying anything that I haven't heard before.  Plenty of people have told me the same thing: I try to cram too much in.  I don't rest.  A boss once told me that the only thing she had written on my evaluation was "moves too fast".  It's all about fear.  I'm so afraid I won't get enough life packed into this short little time that we get to be here, that I say yes to everything and try to do it all.  Maybe, though, it's not about doing everything there is to do, but rather doing everything that is mine to do? 

My blessing today, then, is that I am willing to stop, rest and consider.  I'm willing to sit still and trust that maybe I am just as valuable a human being resting and taking care of myself as I am when I'm going going going. 

Blessing #127 of 2015: staying up late on a school night!

It's a Thursday and 10:04 (PM!) and I'm not even close to going to bed!!!  And I don't have to! All the lights are on, I'm in my purple scrapbook room listening to "Who can it be now" on Pandora, being grateful for personal leave.  

Then I'm gonna go read. 
For as long as I want.

Blessing #90: Sitting. Down.

I came home from work and sat down.
While it's still light outside.
At 5 p.m.
For an hour.

I'm still sitting here, and it feels really, really, really good.
To sit. Still.

Blessing #89: Waking up refreshed

I can't believe it!  I woke up before my alarm went off AND I felt refreshed, not groggy, AND I slept through the night!!!  

This has not happenned in months and months and months, and not at all on a school day.  

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

Blessing #53: My first restful weekend of the...year

On Friday, my colleague made me promise to rest this weekend.  And, unlike past promises for evenings/days/weekends of rest, I ACTUALLY DID IT!  I did not decline the symphony then stay up till 2 watching GG episodes; I went to bed at 8:30 on Friday night.

R.E.S.T. is soooo hard for me!!

I used to think that to be happy I was supposed to be busy.  I looked around at all the people that looked happy on their outsides and what I saw in common was that they were all had many important things to do:  volunteering, hobbies, sports.  So I got busy.  It worked so well that years later, here I am, super busy.  This seems to have become one of my identifying characteristics. 

Rest was like stopping, and I was terrified to stop because I thought I wouldn't be important anymore or that everyone would forget about my while I was sitting on my couch reading on a Sunday afternoon or working on my scrapbook all afternoon.

It was still scary to rest this afternoon, but I have to tell you, I am SOOO tired of being sick that I told God I'm willing to do it, whatever the cost.  I'm tired of being sick through beautiful afternoons and concerts and symphonies.  Sure, it's not so bad to be sick during things I don't care too much about doing, but I have spent most of 2015 recovering from being sick after doing something awesome. 

So no more.  My Lenten commitment is sleep/rest.  Come hell or high water, I am going to rest, be that sleep or just skipping a function so I can spend time with myself. 

Now it's out there, I'm accountable!