#219: To tell on myself

Yesterday afternoon I got a case of the "Everybody-has-other-people-they'd-rather-hang-out-with-than-me"'s which was accompanied by a severe, paralyzing terror in my stomach that felt that I labelled loneliness and felt like utter abandonment in this world. I was stuck. I could feel the fear eating away at my stomach and the only thoughts in my head were I'm all alone, I'm all alone.

I texted a friend to meet for coffee, but when she responded I ignored her, as when I feel like that my brain gets these great ideas that I should sit at home along and try to figure out what is wrong, though I'm pretty sure these boil down to excuses to sit and feel sorry for myself. After scrolling through Facebook for a few more minutes to torment myself by looking at all the joy and happiness posted out there, my friend messaged me on FB. This time I answered back and we met a few other women for coffee.

I told them how lonely I was and how terrifying that feeling in my stomach was. We laughed a lot, which helped. One of my friends mentioned that I have told her this on other Friday afternoons, which made me feel relieved (my oh my, how quickly we forget!).  Then I got a text.

Are you coming, we're waiting on you?

My Mountain Host group was meeting at a local park to bike ride down for dinner and I'd forgotten it was yesterday.

I laughed and rolled my eyes at myself. I told my friends, and they laughed and rolled their eyes. Perhaps needless to say, the terror lifted instantly and the thoughts in my head were quickly outnumbered by the reality all around me. 

I'm so grateful that I have gotten in the habit of telling on myself (some might call it self-obsession or talking too much, depending on what side of the coin you are looking at). A few years ago I would have ignored my friend for weeks, gone home and not told anybody. Then, 4 day or 2 weeks later I would have emerged a basket case and had some sort of come-apart to 5 friends. And I'd have ignored the bike ride text, too, but I didn't—I texted back immediately and even went to join them late. 

Just by getting willing to risk embarrassment and getting laughed at (deservedly so, may I add), I saved myself some misery, isolation and self-pity. Oh, and I got to hang out with friends, those people I was so afraid I didn't have in my life.

#169: Another fear overcome!

I am so proud of myself!  I have been wanting to go biking on a Thursday with a group I found online called Boise Community Bicycle Rides for the last 3 months or so.  At the same time I was scared to go: what if I can't keep up, what if all my gear is wrong, what if they are mean, what if what if what if...

After lots of thinking and talking about it and many strange coincidences where other things came up on Thursday nights, I finally drove to the ride last week.  They were meeting behind Hillside Junior High and the calendar said they start riding at 6:15.  I drove up at 6:10 and there were no bicycles to be found.  I drove away a little relieved and a little disappointed and a little irritated with myself for more or less sabotaging the ride by showing up so late.

But tonight there was no sabotage, and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit how anxious I was all afternoon leading up to 5:45, the time I had decided to leave for the ride.  I spent the afternoon getting stuff done, but had to take a couple of breaks to be with people just to get my mind off of my anxiety.

Finally it was time, and I headed out.

I thought of what I heard Brene Brown say in The Power of Vulnerability: if I am there to show up and be seen, then my worthiness is not on the line.  My worthiness is not on the line.  Just show up and be seen.  I kept repeating over and over.

I reminded myself that all I had to do was drive over there and get out of the car.  I easily found a group of bicyclers, got out of the car, walked over to them and asked if this was the Boise Community Rides group.  That alleviated most of my fear because they talked back!

I have this huge Camelback day pack that I wear biking because I haven't yet figured out how to carry the gear I need without it.  Several people kindly said it looked heavy and asked if I really needed it, and I found myself not being defensive and only a little self-conscious about it.  Show up and be seen.  Show up and be seen.

The bike ride was fun and the people were kind!  I met some new people, I conquered some fear and biked a beautiful route.  Best of all, I grew my soul just a little bit today!

Day #33: I've been single for 2 years!

Source: http://studiomothers.com/2013/02/22/meme-of-the-week-2/

Two years ago yesterday, my last relationship ended.  I have been single for 2 years.  TWO YEARS.  About 6 months ago I realized I had not been single since I started dating my ex-husband in 1997.

Since then I have

• felt crazy lonely
• felt crazy happy
• felt despair
• been afraid to go home because I was terrified to be alone
• felt incredible joy sitting alone in my house
• had my insides scraped out & healed by God
• been to Eastern Europe by myself
• been to Ireland by myself
• navigated from Heathrow to Central run in Hyde Park in London!
• London and back all by myself
• seen the Hungarian Parliament building at night in Budapest
• lost self-consciousness
• discovered I'm pretty funny
• cried a lot.  A. LOT.
• run my fastest marathon ever!
• started a Masters degree
• dressed up [as Miss Piggy] for Halloween for the first time since I was a kid
• found confidence as a teacher
• had flowers delivered from an known source
• learned how to be a friend
• lost people
• found people
• stopped using people
• started appreciating myself
• found confidence as a person
• learned how to drive up to Bogus in the snow all by myself
• learned how to grill
• am learning how to stand up for myself
• read Anna Karenina!  ALL of it!
• painted my back room
• took 2 carloads of stuff to the Youth Ranch
• found out I don't need to be afraid 
• found out other people can be trusted
• found out other people are not out to get me
• learned to enjoy my own company 
• learned my opinion counts
• learned my life matters
• learned that I matter
• found out I am worth loving.

Hungarian Parliament

Me in Budapest (Parliament in the background)

Blessing #30: Gilmore Girls

It was always coming.  Today I'm grateful for the show Gilmore Girls.

Another Friday night has passed in the company of Lorelai and Rory.  It also entailed 4 bowls of that Gorilla-fake-Captain Crunch cereal with raspberries for dinner, 2 liters of water, 3 loads of laundry.  Before I hit PLAY I had a wonderful sensation that felt akin to motivation to finish my Ireland scrapbook or clean the kitchen floor or even hang up the clothes on my bed, but when Netflix loaded, I took it as a sign and sat down.  Let the record reflect, however, that I did turn the TV off before midnight  (a 2.25 hour improvement over last week).  That's only 6 episodes.

This show is awesome!  I am fascinated by the relationships of the mothers and the daughters.  I love how UN-self-conscious Lorelai is.  I my imagination she accepts herself and doesn't try to be anybody else.  I love that she stands up for herself and is able to articulate her doubts when she has them, with the person involved.  In the room.  Out loud.  I find myself crying and laughing out loud in most episodes.  I think the Pope should bless it as a relic, because healing happens whilst watching Gilmore Girls.

The irony is that this is Friday and Fridays are historically, going all the way back to high school, kinda painful.  I often have this empty feeling like I'm missing out, like I'm that girl who wasn't invited to anything because she was so unpopular.  Actually, in high school that was me.  I know I'm in a grown up body now, but I still get that feeling sometimes when I don't have plans on a Friday.  And since I'm not using people anymore just to fill up the hole inside of me, it's been pretty frequently lately that I haven't had plans on a Friday and been visited by the lonely feeling.

Tonight we cancelled book club, so at 9 this morning I suddenly had space to fill after work.  Which is another way of saying I had space to fill inside myself.  And it was a BEAUTIFUL day, which always made it worse.  The anxiety demons in my head go nuts on weekends with gorgeous weather with helpful thoughts like, "you're really a loser now--it's pretty outside and you don't have anyone to play with," or "you're thinking of staying at work late?  Only people who don't have any friends do that".  I'm not claiming these aren't ridiculous assertions, just that the are persistent and the fear fueling them is powerful.

I always figure that if I ask or pray for something and I don't get it, I must have everything I need without it.  So after my several efforts to find an alternative activity for the evening did not materialize, I caught on.  I prayed for the courage to face my fear [which, by the way, is the fear that if I just go home and enjoy myself, I will never make friends or meet the man of my dreams, etc.], went home and made cookies, which I promptly gave away. 

When the cookies were gone, I didn't feel lonely any more.  I didn't mind staying at home on a Friday night;  I dove all in to my new favorite show, without shame.  The voices shut up and I was able to be fully present with myself.  The hole healed up for the night.

Blessing #28 - Surprise Flowers!!!!

Look what was waiting for me when I got home today!!

The card says: Joy, hope you are having a better week.
It's not signed.  

There are SO many things that are awesome about this!!

I LOVE flowers and I LOVE surprises.  That really is enough, but there's more!

I happen to have this fear (which I'm told is irrational but feels totally rational)  that if I just do my own little life, right here in Boise, then I'm going to be forgotten, especially by God, and not taken care of (forget that I can take care of myself--that, too, have been pointed out to me).  This fear is pervasive.  I've spent so much of my life trying to make people notice that I'm around because I haven't known that I'm enough just as I am.  Being "not-single" is a great way to avoid this fear, by the way, and because I've been single since the demise of my last relationship I've been walking straight into this fear.  The more time that passed, the greater the loneliness and despair grew.  Then I stopped my old behaviors of using people to feel okay and trying to prove myself important to others, and these feelings got even worse.  In the last few months, though, they've begun to subside. [hurrah!] 

Admittedly, it may be putting a tad too much weight on once single flower arrangement, but to be remembered spontaneously by this mysterious cheerleader, without promotion or manipulation by me, is like God telling me that I, 39-year-old-loves-her-job-teaching-likes-to-watch-Gilmore-Girls-says-stupid-things-allergic-to-most-yummy-foods-scared-to-drive-in-the-snow-afraid-I'll-never-be-enough-Joy, have a life worth living.  Exactly as it is.

Thank you to whoever gave me these flowers!