Friday, June 19, 2015

#169: Another fear overcome!

I am so proud of myself!  I have been wanting to go biking on a Thursday with a group I found online called Boise Community Bicycle Rides for the last 3 months or so.  At the same time I was scared to go: what if I can't keep up, what if all my gear is wrong, what if they are mean, what if what if what if...

After lots of thinking and talking about it and many strange coincidences where other things came up on Thursday nights, I finally drove to the ride last week.  They were meeting behind Hillside Junior High and the calendar said they start riding at 6:15.  I drove up at 6:10 and there were no bicycles to be found.  I drove away a little relieved and a little disappointed and a little irritated with myself for more or less sabotaging the ride by showing up so late.

But tonight there was no sabotage, and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit how anxious I was all afternoon leading up to 5:45, the time I had decided to leave for the ride.  I spent the afternoon getting stuff done, but had to take a couple of breaks to be with people just to get my mind off of my anxiety.

Finally it was time, and I headed out.

I thought of what I heard Brene Brown say in The Power of Vulnerability: if I am there to show up and be seen, then my worthiness is not on the line.  My worthiness is not on the line.  Just show up and be seen.  I kept repeating over and over.

I reminded myself that all I had to do was drive over there and get out of the car.  I easily found a group of bicyclers, got out of the car, walked over to them and asked if this was the Boise Community Rides group.  That alleviated most of my fear because they talked back!

I have this huge Camelback day pack that I wear biking because I haven't yet figured out how to carry the gear I need without it.  Several people kindly said it looked heavy and asked if I really needed it, and I found myself not being defensive and only a little self-conscious about it.  Show up and be seen.  Show up and be seen.

The bike ride was fun and the people were kind!  I met some new people, I conquered some fear and biked a beautiful route.  Best of all, I grew my soul just a little bit today!

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