Thursday, January 29, 2015

Blessing #28 - Surprise Flowers!!!!

Look what was waiting for me when I got home today!!

The card says: Joy, hope you are having a better week.
It's not signed.  

There are SO many things that are awesome about this!!

I LOVE flowers and I LOVE surprises.  That really is enough, but there's more!

I happen to have this fear (which I'm told is irrational but feels totally rational)  that if I just do my own little life, right here in Boise, then I'm going to be forgotten, especially by God, and not taken care of (forget that I can take care of myself--that, too, have been pointed out to me).  This fear is pervasive.  I've spent so much of my life trying to make people notice that I'm around because I haven't known that I'm enough just as I am.  Being "not-single" is a great way to avoid this fear, by the way, and because I've been single since the demise of my last relationship I've been walking straight into this fear.  The more time that passed, the greater the loneliness and despair grew.  Then I stopped my old behaviors of using people to feel okay and trying to prove myself important to others, and these feelings got even worse.  In the last few months, though, they've begun to subside. [hurrah!] 

Admittedly, it may be putting a tad too much weight on once single flower arrangement, but to be remembered spontaneously by this mysterious cheerleader, without promotion or manipulation by me, is like God telling me that I, 39-year-old-loves-her-job-teaching-likes-to-watch-Gilmore-Girls-says-stupid-things-allergic-to-most-yummy-foods-scared-to-drive-in-the-snow-afraid-I'll-never-be-enough-Joy, have a life worth living.  Exactly as it is.

Thank you to whoever gave me these flowers!

No comments:

Post a Comment