Saturday, January 31, 2015

Blessing #30: Gilmore Girls

It was always coming.  Today I'm grateful for the show Gilmore Girls.

Another Friday night has passed in the company of Lorelai and Rory.  It also entailed 4 bowls of that Gorilla-fake-Captain Crunch cereal with raspberries for dinner, 2 liters of water, 3 loads of laundry.  Before I hit PLAY I had a wonderful sensation that felt akin to motivation to finish my Ireland scrapbook or clean the kitchen floor or even hang up the clothes on my bed, but when Netflix loaded, I took it as a sign and sat down.  Let the record reflect, however, that I did turn the TV off before midnight  (a 2.25 hour improvement over last week).  That's only 6 episodes.

This show is awesome!  I am fascinated by the relationships of the mothers and the daughters.  I love how UN-self-conscious Lorelai is.  I my imagination she accepts herself and doesn't try to be anybody else.  I love that she stands up for herself and is able to articulate her doubts when she has them, with the person involved.  In the room.  Out loud.  I find myself crying and laughing out loud in most episodes.  I think the Pope should bless it as a relic, because healing happens whilst watching Gilmore Girls.

The irony is that this is Friday and Fridays are historically, going all the way back to high school, kinda painful.  I often have this empty feeling like I'm missing out, like I'm that girl who wasn't invited to anything because she was so unpopular.  Actually, in high school that was me.  I know I'm in a grown up body now, but I still get that feeling sometimes when I don't have plans on a Friday.  And since I'm not using people anymore just to fill up the hole inside of me, it's been pretty frequently lately that I haven't had plans on a Friday and been visited by the lonely feeling.

Tonight we cancelled book club, so at 9 this morning I suddenly had space to fill after work.  Which is another way of saying I had space to fill inside myself.  And it was a BEAUTIFUL day, which always made it worse.  The anxiety demons in my head go nuts on weekends with gorgeous weather with helpful thoughts like, "you're really a loser now--it's pretty outside and you don't have anyone to play with," or "you're thinking of staying at work late?  Only people who don't have any friends do that".  I'm not claiming these aren't ridiculous assertions, just that the are persistent and the fear fueling them is powerful.

I always figure that if I ask or pray for something and I don't get it, I must have everything I need without it.  So after my several efforts to find an alternative activity for the evening did not materialize, I caught on.  I prayed for the courage to face my fear [which, by the way, is the fear that if I just go home and enjoy myself, I will never make friends or meet the man of my dreams, etc.], went home and made cookies, which I promptly gave away. 

When the cookies were gone, I didn't feel lonely any more.  I didn't mind staying at home on a Friday night;  I dove all in to my new favorite show, without shame.  The voices shut up and I was able to be fully present with myself.  The hole healed up for the night.

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