Friday, March 20, 2015

#78 for 2015: Feeling a part of the beautiful day

It was a beautiful, 70 degree day in Boise.  I kept seeing the blue sky out every window at school,  and I didn't feel lonely all day.  Or sad or left out.

This is really weird but in the past on pretty days I would feel really left out and lonely.  Often I'd come home, turn on the TV and spend the hours till the sun went down watching mindless TV or Ever After or Pride and Prejudice (the Kiera Knightley version, of course).  I'd close the blinds most of the time because just seeing the sunny weather conjured in me a deep sense that I was being left out of life.   In my imagination, everyone else, at least in Boise, was out playing outside with their friends doing fun adventures in the beautiful weather.  I considered going out on a bike ride or hiking Table Rock or even just walking around the neighborhood, but the thought gave me a profound sense of pathetic-ness.  I heard all these voices in my head saying unhelpful things like you'd be that old single lady walking by herself, trying to pretend that she's okay with being alone but we can all tell she's not.

Once the sun went down, the sense of being left out or pathetic disappeared.  The critical voices in my head shut down and I often felt embarassed and remorseful that I'd wasted so much time and energy stewing and staring at the TV.  

I didn't do this today.  For one, I made plans.  Did you know that making plans that involve showing up at a designated location with pre-arranged people can make you get off the couch and sometimes not even turn on the TV?  (I had a friend tell me that 2 spring breaks ago after I felt left out that the entire world had plans the Friday of spring break.  She told me, Joy, people have something to do that day because they MAKE PLANS.  It was a revelation for me!)  I went on a run and to coffee with a friend.

Second, when I looked out the windows at school, I didn't feel that left out feeling!  It's a miracle!  I've felt left out of things for my entire life:  sports, parties, girlfriends, my high school, my college, my 2nd college, my masters program for a while, wandering around Eastern Europe, wandering around Ireland.

Okay, I get it.  It's not about where I'm wandering; it's about who I think I am on the inside.  I have finally figured out that I myself am worth spending time with and to keep myself company--so much so that when I got home from my friend it was still beautiful outside and I did not feel left out or pathetic as I made dinner, with the blinds open, sat on the couch and watched 4 more episodes of Gilmore Girls.  Not one single thought of pathetic, left out or pretending.

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