Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Day 40: My enemies

By "enemies" I mean those people who don't like me and/or don't want to have anything to do with me, or the people it hurts so much to be around I more or less run away from, or anybody that has done something to me or said something to me that hurt me.  Or that I think has hurt me.

In the last few weeks I've encountered several such people.  Today I ran into a person with whom used to be super close.  She helped me get through my divorce and listened to me over and over again as I worked out how to deal with the anxiety that roared up during that time.  However, I did not reciprocate and really took advantage of her kindness and open ear.  I never called her unless I was in crisis and I rarely returned phone calls.  Eventually she told me she wasn't interested in being friends anymore because it was such a one-sided relationship.


Back in high school a friend told me directly that nobody wanted to hang out with me because I complain all the time. 


Another woman in Utah told me, "I hear a lot of blame in what you say."


An ex told me, "I hope you learn to let go some time in your life."


A boyfriend told me, "I just don't understand why you can't be happy."

You get the point.  All of these have context, of course, but these are the thoughts I have kept.  And they have been so helpful!!  Seriously, without my last relationship and it's demise, I would never be as free, happy and healthy as I am today.  Or sometimes when I get on a self-pity roll I hear my high school friend reminding me that I complain all the time and [I'd like to think that] I complain a little less after that.

There is an addendum to this gratitude that came out of running into my [former] friend today:

I have spent loads of energy keeping the back burner lit, always wondering what I could do or say to make things right with some of these people.  This is code for:  How can I make them like me?  I needed them to like me to be okay with myself, especially those that I thought knew me really well.  I actually listened to myself think the thought, he/she has seen all of me and doesn't like me, so there's no way I'm okay.

After seeing my former friend, I had a new thought:  What if the price I had to pay for seeing my poor friendship skills was her friendship?  Or the price I had to pay for the strength and healing I have experienced in the last 2 years was that last relationship?  Suddenly my perspective changed and my former friend moved from the back burner and out of my kitchen altogether.  Perhaps our mission in each other's lives has been completed, and that is okay.  Perhaps I'm okay, even without their approval.  

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