Today was the last day of night skiing at Bogus. Not that I night skied at all this year, but that is not the point. As I was driving down the hill after hanging out with fellow ski patrollers and mountain hosts in the lodge, I found myself feeling low with a heavy sensation in my heart. A few miles later I was able to identify this emotion as sadness.
I'm not so much grateful for sadness (although without sadness joy loses some of its sparkle), as for the ability to identify sadness and live through it. I used to go weeks, days or years ignoring emotions. I'm not sure it was conscious, it was just survival. I seemed to come out of the shoot with the idea that negative emotions were dangerous; therefore I avoided feeling sad, angry, hurt, etc. at all costs, so my way of being was unconsciousness. Though this had the benefit of enabling me to make it through the days, being this out of touch with myself had debilitating side effects. I was plagued by anxiety, insecurity and was constantly doubting myself.
When I got divorced at 32 I woke up. Our marriage counselor sent me to individual counseling and that experience shot me into another world. I learned how much hurt, sadness and pain was inside of me [a LOT] that had never been allowed to come out. I learned how to feel the sadness and pain that was inside of me [did I mention that there was A LOT?] and live through it. I learned how to feel the emotions that [apparently] come with being human (I learned that, too) without spewing all over everyone around me.
It turns out that feeling emotions is the only way to truly "process" them and get to the joy that lies on the other side.
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| What a happy/sad day! Good friends, little snow, much fun. |
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| View from the top of Nugget. |
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| The beauty and splendor of Idaho.. |
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