Yesterday when I heard Suzanne Stabile go through the nine types of the Enneagram there was a particular types that sounded so horribly bad that I was starting to cry by the time she moved to the next number. Some of the things I heard were that people of this type:
- are continually frustrated with themselves & the world
- struggle with terrible feelings of being unworthy or not enough
- notice right/wrong everyone
- have one thing they are trying to perfect
- compare themselves to others
- compulsively worry about making wrong decisions
- will sacrifice their personal selves to do what "should" or "ought" to be done
- spew anger out sideways because they don't allow themselves to be angry
- can get obsessed with little things
- have a relentless internal critic that never, never stops
- these voices are so loud and unending that sleep is challenging
This is just a little bit of it, but enough to say that I really, really, really did NOT want to be a 1. After stewing over this all night long, I realized I most likely AM a 1. After the workshop today I asked Suzanne what she thought and without hesitation she said I'm a 1 (it turns out 1's need lots of reassurance)!
Now I'm grateful. What relief and how awesome to realize that parts of my personality that I thought were innate defects like the relentless critics in my head are not mental illness (I've wondered) but a trait that lots of other people share! I've found an explanation for some behaviors I was beginning to think were hopeless broken pieces of myself. I've actually wondered in the last 6 months what IS driving some of my compulsive behaviors, because I've been "working" on them for years and I don't always see growth.
I'm not alone anymore. And now I not only have permission to not listen to the voices, I have a way tool to use to help myself escape the compulsive behaviors that have driven me thus far. Woohoo!!!
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