Monday, June 15, 2015

#165: Self Acceptance

I'm a 1, I'm a 1! 

Yesterday when I heard Suzanne Stabile go through the nine types of the Enneagram there was a particular types that sounded so horribly bad that I was starting to cry by the time she moved to the next number.  Some of the things I heard were that people of this type:
  • are continually frustrated with themselves & the world
  • struggle with terrible feelings of being unworthy or not enough
  • notice right/wrong everyone
  • have one thing they are trying to perfect
  • compare themselves to others
  • compulsively worry about making wrong decisions
  • will sacrifice their personal selves to do what "should" or "ought" to be done
  • spew anger out sideways because they don't allow themselves to be angry
  • can get obsessed with little things
And here is when I really started feeling uncomfortable - not in a good way:
  • have a relentless internal critic that never, never stops 
  • these voices are so loud and unending that sleep is challenging
Furthermore, he unconscious childhood memory for this types is it's not okay to make mistakes; the lost childhood message is "you are good".

This is just a little bit of it, but enough to say that I really, really, really did NOT want to be a 1.  After stewing over this all night long, I realized I most likely AM a 1.  After the workshop today I asked Suzanne what she thought and without hesitation she said I'm a 1 (it turns out 1's need lots of reassurance)!

Now I'm grateful.  What relief and how awesome to realize that parts of my personality that I thought were innate defects like the relentless critics in my head are not mental illness (I've wondered) but a trait that lots of other people share!  I've found an explanation for some behaviors I was beginning to think were hopeless broken pieces of myself.  I've actually wondered in the last 6 months what IS driving some of my compulsive behaviors, because I've been "working" on them for years and I don't always see growth. 

I'm not alone anymore.  And now I not only have permission to not listen to the voices, I have a way tool to use to help myself escape the compulsive behaviors that have driven me thus far.  Woohoo!!!

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